The Purpose of Depression?
I've been on a quest to understand if there is a purpose to depression. If so, how can I give it positive utility?
One series of thoughts occurred to me when I shared the concept of this blog with my spiritual advisor. She asked if I'd consider calling it "The Purpose of Depression" instead of "Depression With A Purpose".
"Actually, I did think about it," I said, "but I decided I can't name it 'The Purpose of Depression’ because that would imply that I have the credentials to actually make such a bold claim." Those credentials, by the way, include one "Psychology & Sociology" class senior year of high school, and some philosophy and ethics classes in college.
Not exactly the kinds of credentials that fly in the the scientific community, but are more likely to fly in the face of it.
This suggestion is what got me thinking, though. What IS the purpose of depression? Can it be more than chemical imbalance, neural short-circuits, serotonin levels, or trauma. Is it more than just a result? Could it actually have meaning?
Side note:
My spiritual advisor said something during our very first meeting that stuck with me, because I don't think anyone put it to me this way, and if they did, I don't remember.
She said something to the effect of, "We all have an emotional range that spans the lowest low to the highest high. Most people, however, are able to navigate the world in the middle range. Sometimes they expand out to the edges, and when they do, they are able to come back to the middle rather quickly. Empaths like you, however, can get stuck in the outlying areas."
Ok, but why?
Am I broken?
Why am I broken?
Why do I get stuck in my "ruts"?
Why do I linger there for so long?
What makes me feel SO deeply so much of the time?
What makes me so apathetic when I hit bottom?
Are my emotions not as elastic as others'?
What is the purpose of depression?
If depression is part of who I am,
then what is my purpose?
If depression has a purpose,
does that mean I have a purpose?
It does.
I do.
What if depression is actually emotional overinflation?
What if empaths with depression have a more sensitive antenna to the emotional energy created by the rest of the world, and of which the rest of the world is largely unaware?
What if having depression means that we're actually able to store more emotional energy than most people?
And what if - unbeknownst to us - we are absorbing energy from everything around us like an ionizing air filter until we reach maximum saturation and barely have enough capacity to process our own emotions?
What if we are the counterbalance to all the negativity in the world?
Sometimes I feel so much pain I become numb.
Sometimes I feel horribly sad for no reason.
Sometimes I get incredibly upset by the most mundane things.
Sometimes I tear up with joy from a simple compliment.
Sometimes I try to convince myself that the very people who love and depend on me would be better off without me (I call this one "It's a Wonderful Life" syndrome).
In my new light, however, I'm not broken at all.
My empathy is my greatest gift.
Left unchecked, it can bring me to my knees.
I get that now.
I hadn't yet learned how to protect myself from too much outside interference.
I hadn't yet learned my saturation points.
I hadn't yet learned to be my own best advocate.
I hadn't yet learned to put my finger over the fizzy soda to stop it from overflowing.
I hadn't yet learned to put the mask over my face before helping someone else with theirs.
Thinking my depression actually has utility to the benefit of the world gave me the strength and purpose I was looking for to start my climb out of this hole.
All this time spent thinking I was broken, but maybe I was just like mild-mannered high-school teacher Ralph Hinkley who was presented with an amazing gift to help change the world... but lost the instruction manual.
Except I think I found the instructions, believe it or not.
More to come.