"The Best Laid Plans"
“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans” - John Lennon
I have 38 blog drafts in queue right now, and I’ve been struggling to focus on just one.
I keep editing them, finding better, different, and always worse ways to tell the stories. Somehow I wind up creating more and more blog topics in the process which is great for future content, but awful when I'm trying to focus. It feels like I’ve been running in place, and I really just want to get another blog entry published. I don’t want to lose momentum.
I’ve come to notice that when I’m running in place like that, it’s for a reason. I don’t think I would have truly believed that kind of metaphysical concept 6 months ago, that somehow there’s “a reason” why I can’t make progress; a reason much bigger than something as simple as writer’s block and procrastination. I really would have liked to believe it, but I don’t think I would have. Now, though? After what I experienced 3 1/2 months ago? Now is a different story. Hell, “now” is a whole different concept. Now I’m truly open to anything, but that is a story I’m finding the right way to share, and more importantly finding the courage to share it.
I digress…
It didn’t take long for me to figure out the reason I couldn’t make progress was because I had to wait until I could write this blog entry instead. After this one is done, I’ll think on things for a day or two, and the next one will present itself.
Why did I have to way until today to write this one? Two things happened in my sphere yesterday, and I couldn’t help but take notice and take stock.
Birds of a Feather...
A long time friend of mine posted on Facebook that her depression and anxiety are the worst they’ve ever been. The exhaustion. Forcing herself to just get out of bed. The self-doubt and self-loathing. There’s more she wrote specific to her depression, but I think that’s enough for anyone with depression to relate.
She starts her post with “I’m struggling…”. Despite how bad she feels, she’s struggling. As in not giving up. She’s overwhelmed and yet has the presence of mind to share with us her struggles, releasing some of that built-up steam, knowing she’s not alone. She has the strength to say she’s going to keep working with her doctors, and that she WILL get back on track. She had the courage to share her journey with us … the good, the bad, and the ugly … despite how bad she feels.
She inspires me.
I know she will persevere. I know because one time my therapist asked me how, despite the severity of my depression, I was able to stay so optimistic that things would get better.
“Because they have to,” I said.
I think that when we Jews are faced with oppressive odds, we become even more inspired and motivated to overcome them.
I see that same cautious optimism in my friend. She’s a fighter. More importantly, if you’re reading this, "A", please know you’re not alone. You can do this. One day at a time.
...Watch Reboots Together
So as it turns out, there’s a reboot of the show “One Day at a Time” on Netflix. My youngest discovered it recently, and introduced me to it as well. I started watching it with her at first because to me it was another reason for us to spend more time together. It turns out the show is incredible… Bonus! Rita Moreno is absolutely hysterical, and I have found myself laughing every episode.
Season 2 Episode 9 is titled “Hello, Penelope” and is about the mom, Penelope (actress Justina Machado), sinking back into a deep depression after deciding to quit therapy and her meds cold turkey.
Side Note: NEVER take or change medication outside the guidance of a prescriber.
In the show, Penelope served in the armed forces and now suffers from post-traumatic stress (PTS). Penelope's depression and the various stigmas that come with it are discussed in many episodes. This episode, however, had an amazing screenplay. That combined with Justina’s portrayal of the manic high spiraling quickly into the paralyzing depression was so familiar and realistic that my eyes welled up. Granted, my kids will tell you that crying at movies is kind of a hallmark of mine, but this especially hit home. I had never seen a portrayal of depression on the screen so real - so much like my own.
Why do I tell these two stories?
In a single day, I had two very closely timed experiences with public expression of depression in all its sadistic, controlling, devastating ugliness. I was reminded of the fragility that comes with “feeling good” when you have depression. Moreover, I didn’t feel alone and so I took it as a sign to write this blog entry.
Sharing our journeys without fear of judgement and without internally comparing battle scars is one of the most therapeutic things we can do for ourselves. These two incidents told me that before I post anything else that might be considered positive, I need to take caution.
I want to express to any potential readers that this blog will, over time, contain (hopefully) inspiring or relatable stories of my own life. If you’re suffering from depression, I understand hearing other’s talk about happiness or success - especially when it comes to defeating our demons - can make you feel worse.
I never want to cause anyone to feel worse.
Read these when you’re ready to hear about someone else’s journey, but don’t let someone else’s experiences inform you on how you should be feeling.
Your feelings are yours alone.
But you are not alone.
There’s a big difference.
You can do this.
One day at a time.